Life has thrown us all some unexpected turns recently with the rise of COVID-19. The question to ask yourself is how do you stay within your emotional window of tolerance? When you are in your window of tolerance you feel secure or safe. You feel that you can handle your emotions as they surface, and you can find your sense of direction. Your responses are congruent with the situation at hand and you feel open, curious, and present. Feelings of empathy remain intact and you are able to maintain healthy boundaries. However, a stressful event can lead to movement out of your window of tolerance.
Some years ago I noticed a higher number of cancellations due to the flu than other seasons. This year the Corona Virus is putting fear in many hearts. People are stockpiling toilet paper and essentials to have around the house and some offices are preparing to have their employees work from home. Vacation plans are being canceled as fear rises like the tide. Around 7 years ago I started on a quest for natural health
Once you’ve experienced the shock and euphoria that accompanies the news that you’re having a baby, your thoughts move on to the physical and financial preparations that need to be made. There’s a nursery to be assembled as well as equipment and supplies to be acquired so you’re ready to go when the big day arrives.
For parents who find they’re expecting a child with a physical or mental disability, the shock they experience is of a slightly different nature.
Tis the season for intensified feelings of grief, despair, and loneliness. The feelings of sadness of the loss of a loved one increases exponentially during the holidays. The memories of past holidays together can flood the mind and intensify the feelings of loss. When our lives aren’t perfect and we look around at everyone else’s seemingly perfect lives, despair sets in with feelings of inadequacy. The feelings can spin around in our minds like a tossed salad with too much dressing, “They have an intact family, they have money to go skiing, they don’t have financial problems, their kids have good grades…
I have learned that it takes around 3 years for a bamboo plant to be fully established once it is planted. It will have long periods in which the plant doesn’t appear to be making any growth progress. It is during this time that growth is occurring underground within the root system. The roots are actively growing and pushing water up to the plant above ground.
Negative self talk is one of the many things that hold us back from enjoying life to it's fullest. Many people don't even realize how hard on themselves they are. When you have it out for yourself you can't win.
If you stop and listen to the chatter in your head, you may realize you are your own worst enemy. If this is true for you then you will want to change your thought habits.
Here are some of the method's you may use against yourself; Name Calling
First I apologize for not writing in my blog for so long. We moved, and other things have held my attention and so I have not been actively writing in here for you. I plan to resume my writing and offer topics of interest. First, on a personal note, I felt compelled to write about my own quest to find a counselor here in Colorado.
Yes, counselors do go to counselors for help with their own personal issues. My personal quest to find a counselor in Colorado has been a challenge.
This is the first in a series on defense mechanisms. We all have them from time to time. However, when they become extreme, we may have very little insight. Our defenses can become highly problematic. Insight gives us freedom of choice; to continue operating under the same set of reactionary belief sets, or to try something different (and hopefully healthier).
Defense mechanisms are the way we prevent ourselves from having insight into our own feelings. We may not like something about our self, our situation, or how it feels, so we defend against it in a variety of ways. In therapy, defense mechanisms are explored, and options for coping in healthier ways are discussed and practiced.
The first defense mechanism I will address is projection. Projection is defined by attributing our own traits to someone else. We don’t want to admit it about ourselves, or we just don’t see it at all, so we blame other’s for our own actions.
A person may label others as “selfish,” for example, when really that individual is very self absorbed. When others inconvenience them, they are quick to label the other as “selfish,” when really they don't want to admit to their own selfish behavior. There are many different ways this happens.
Projection's imagery comes from an old fashioned projector screen in which an image is projected from the screen onto the wall. The real image exists on the projector and not on the wall, however, we see it on the wall. When someone projects their traits onto others they say the other person has the traits they in fact have.
The more pervasive the use of the defense mechanism the lower the insight into oneself. Misattributing one’s thoughts, actions, or feelings onto another person keeps the individual from addressing the real issue within themselves. It is also confusing for those in relationship with them.
In relationships it can feel like nothing gets resolved. Instead it feels things get flipped around. Some individuals may find themselves trying to please the other person by fixing themselves in many different ways. They may feel a great deal of dismay when their efforts (sometimes over the course of many years) rarely get them anywhere. This is called projective identification when the individual identifies with the projection(s) and believes that they have the traits they are told they have (when in fact they do not). In recovery it is important to sort out what is real from what is imagined, and begin to make steps toward clearer communication.
“Mom push me!” my daughter begged me and looked at me with playful eyes. I reluctantly sidled over to help her out because I know she doesn’t really need me to push her anymore. I gave her a few good shoves to propel her up to a satisfactory height. Observing her delight, I thought, “Why let her have all the fun?” and glanced over at the empty swing next to her.
You may have noticed the face of my company has changed. Over the years, one of the main questions I am asked is, “What do you specialize in?” I have been blessed with a wide range of experiences in the field of counseling. I have worked with, adults, adolescents, kids, couples, elderly, and disabled populations. I have also worked in hospital, agency, addictions and in private practice settings taking on just about any problem that comes my way.
I have loved the challenge of working with diversity and with a wide range of people. It definitely keeps my work interesting. I have often considered specializing in women’s issues, but haven’t taken the initiative, until now.
I am thrilled to specialize in women’s issues.
In light of the movie theater shooting I thought I would write about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Initially we have our response to the deaths and visible injuries of the people who went to the opening night of The Dark Knight Rises. I have been brought to tears several times thinking about what the victims went through and what their families are going through now. It is just heartbreaking and so difficult to grasp why this would happen.
Then there are the invisible wounds. The wounds that are under the surface. The scars that trauma leaves behind and that alter the lives of the people who were there. Many people may have an acute stress reaction that will last only a few weeks or months. Others may develop PTSD symptoms.
I, myself, have PTSD. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I could describe to you several of my various traumatic experiences. I have had, at least, a handful. I could describe each one but then this blog post would be way too long. Let’s see, I’ll choose the time I was held up at gun point.
It’s an interesting story but I am not writing to talk about myself but to talk about how PTSD can affect you for a lifetime. Those who were at the theater in Aurora, and survived, are forever changed. They are deeply affected by trauma and it will be something that doesn’t just go away, but it may be something that they can learn to live with.
For me it started on
After years of slipping into the sedentary lifestyle I decided to start running again. I used to be an athlete able to run fast or far depending on the race. Hurdles and the 200 yard dash were among my races, and I also ran cross country. On the cross country team the coach would load us on a bus and drop us off miles from campus. We had no choice but to run until we got home.
Now, years later, I set out to run again. At first it felt great! I was thrilled to get my stamina back and to push the pace. I felt the thrill of getting back in shape again, that is, until my knees seized up in pain. Pushing the pace was not an option as I stopped on the trail and gave my legs a shake in dismay. I had no choice but to slow my pace considerably, ice my knees and run shorter distances. It was discouraging.
Several weeks later my knees are starting to get stronger. I don’t look at all like the athlete I used to be. I kind of shuffle along monitoring my knees and giving them time to build up muscle again. I never had knee problems before. It used to be my shins but never my knees. I guess after years of a sedentary job, putting off running after two kids and a busy life have caught up with me.
I realize that this applies to many areas of life, physical, spiritual, emotional and mental. I like to tell my clients that
We have all had someone hurt us. Some of us have deep wounds going back years. Others have had fairly secure childhoods but have been surprised by untrustworthy colleagues or friends. Life can throw us curve balls. What do you do when you have just been thrown a curve ball? Do you let it hit you hard on the forehead and knock you out for the remainder of the game? It can be tempting to give into it and let it get the best of you. How do you get back on track when someone or something has derailed you from your tracks? It is not always easy.
I wish I could offer you "5 easy steps" to recovery! Wouldn't that be wonderful if life's challenges could be fixed in easy steps? I would love that. It would make life easier and my job easier. However, life is not that simple and solutions can be evasive. What I can do is offer you some ideas.
First, take a good hard look at the problem. You cannot solve a problem you are in denial about. Using the ostrich "stick your head in the sand" approach won't get you anywhere.
Second, find good friends, family, or a good counselor to support you and help you through.
Third, pursue a
Sometimes life is hard, discouraging, even sad. Grief is an important process we go through in life. Often we may be in a grieving process and not even realize it because we equate it with a death. No one has to die for you to be going through grief. Sometimes we lose a dream, a hope, or a relationship begins to fail. Suddenly a direction in our life takes a turn and we feel a range of strong emotions that we cannot place. Often we might hold onto something that we know we need to let go of and don’t even realize we cannot let go because we are avoiding the strong emotions of grief.
The 5 classic stages of grief are:
1. Denial- This isn’t really happening.
2. Bargaining- If only... or Why did God let this happen?
3. Anger- This shouldn’t have happened, it is somebody’s fault.
4. Sadness- Weeping and feeling the pain of loss
5. Acceptance- Coming to terms with the pain of loss.
Going through these stages does not need to be sequential and there is no specific time limit for each stage. However, if you do not allow yourself to
In today's world we have a lot to be worried about; job loss, bill payments, rising grocery costs, keeping our children safe, and keeping up with everything on our plates all while maintaining a smile in public. Some of us are chronic worriers and some not. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a condition of chronic worry. It occurs when our worries never seem to subside. An ongoing wave of anxious thoughts and behaviors invade our lives daily and we may struggle to let go of them. My counseling intern, Jill Oulman, Unlicensed Psychotherapist, who will be completing her counseling degree in the next few months, wrote a few thoughts on Generalized Anxiety. I thought that I would share them with you.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
By Jill Oulman
It can be easy to confuse Anxiety for Depression. Both affect one’s ability to concentrate, both affect mood, often both anxiety and depression affect sleep, and with both disorders one can appear agitated or restless. Because anxiety is a part of natural human existence, it can be something many individuals brush off as normal. When it begins to affect their daily lives, they assume it must be something more severe than anxiety. Many people assume they are depressed and seek help because they cannot deal with their feelings of hopelessness.
By properly assessing the condition as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, the therapist can work to teach the client tools to reduce anxiety and feel in control again. Human beings are programmed with a fight-or-flight mechanism. In an individual with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, that mechanism can be faulty and the body is not able to restore itself to a decreased state of adrenaline once that mechanism has been activated. Often the feelings of anxiety are automatic and not controlled by the client. Using relaxation techniques can be an effective management tool for the client to restore order to their day.
When patients can be taught techniques to help themselves, it brings the focus of control from external to internal. That may be the most important skill as often patients feel as though the source of their anxiety is beyond their control. This lack of control is what worries them the most. Enabling clients to have control over their treatment can be a first step in healing. The therapist can allow the client to focus on controlling their environment instead of the other way around.
Many individuals live with anxiety but it can be
