When Forgiveness is Hard to Do

“Reaching forgiveness takes guts. It also takes wisdom, patience and imagination. It can be the most complex psychological journey you’ll ever take.”

Dare to Forgive, by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.

Minor offenses are easy to forgive for most of us. They happen all of the time. The examples are endless; someone merges in front of you, friends show up a few minutes late, or someone borrows your book and forgets to return it. We often choose to forgive and not hold grudges for the minor things. What about the major things? They seem much harder; a neighbor steals your belongings, a loved one is killed in a careless accident, someone chooses to ruin your reputation by spreading lies, a disagreement results in insults and grudges held for years.

It’s a topic that stirs up many questions. How do we go about forgiving the big things? Why do some seem able to forgive and others proudly state they will never forgive? Is forgiveness the same as tolerating mistreatment? When is it okay to set boundaries or keep a distance? What happens when we stuff our feelings rather than truly forgive?

Choose to Forgive

Forgiveness is a complex issue filled with a wide range of potent emotions. It can be a very difficult process. It can take time to forgive even after you have chosen to. It is both a moment in time, and a lengthy process. Once forgiveness has occurred, it must continue to be chosen. A memory, a comment, a bad day can all trigger re-living the moment and going over it again and again in your head.

Forgiving just doesn’t seem fair. Justice doesn’t seem to get served. The offender walks away unscathed and unaware of the depth of pain caused. Somehow, keeping the bitterness active keeps the memory of your pain alive. The bitterness, a desire to be understood. If you forgive, doesn’t the offender walk away free?

Fantasies of revenge are common when there is bitterness. Thoughts of harm coming to the person who hurt you brings a sense of sinister satisfaction. The fantasies really don’t solve anything, but they do keep the pain alive. Possibly justice will come to them and getting to see it would be a delight. It would ease the pain. Where is the pain? In you own heart. The one who pays the price for anger and un-forgiveness is YOU.

Benefits of Forgiveness:

What are the benefits of forgiveness? There are many health benefits such as avoiding a variety of stress related health problems. Unforgiveness can cause long term psychological distress and lead to anxiety, depression, ulcers, or heart problems, to name a few.

The emotional benefits of forgiveness include peace of mind and lowered psychological distress. If you choose not to forgive, you may suffer ongoing unresolved anger that gets displaced into many other areas of your life. Some that you may not want to be affected.

I saw a woman on Oprah (Yes, I do watch her sometimes) who had forgiven the woman who had killed her child in a reckless car accident. The woman had been drunk. To the astonishment of everyone in the room she had befriended the woman who had caused her so much pain, and extended true forgiveness to her. She had shown this woman true grace and grit for choosing the path of forgiveness. Would I be able to do the same in the face of such loss? Not without a lot of prayer and help from Heaven. It always amazes me when someone forgives at that level.

How to forgive:

“It is impossible to forgive unless you first acknowledge what has hurt you.” (P. 101 The Journey Out, Anger vs. Forgiveness chapter). If you minimize your pain, or stuff your pain deep inside, then you cannot get in touch with what needs to be forgiven. We really cannot forgive, I believe, unless we truly admit to ourselves how much we are hurting and why. Writing it out, talking to a friend or counselor can help. Sometimes we feel afraid of the strength of our own emotion so we suppress it. You cannot lash out, but you can verbalize how much it hurts.

The next step involves making a decision that you want to forgive even if it is hard to do. In the words of Sarah McLeary in her book Choosing to Forgive; Learning to Love; “It’s a choice we make, and making the decision is half of the battle.” Often there is fear and uncertainty if we choose to forgive. Holding onto anger makes more sense. Forgiving doesn't feel right.

Then comes the hard part. Letting it go. Choose to lay down your grief, hurt, and fantasies of revenge, and stop wishing ill toward the person who offended you, no matter how horrible the offense. Sarah McLeary put it this way’ “Forgiving others meant that I had to give up the right I thought I had to punish those who had hurt me.”

Once you have forgiven, you need to keep laying it down. I know personally, that at any moment of any week the anger can resurface full force. You must choose to continue to lay it down and refuse to mull over resentments in your thoughts. I can feel my body’s physiology change when I start to think back on past hurts. Suddenly, I feel anxious, uneasy, my heart rate goes up and my stomach starts to turn. It is rather unpleasant.

Anyone who has truly forgiven knows that forgiveness is more for you than it is for the offender. It sets you free from the burden of carrying the pain in your heart. A burden the heart cannot handle on it's own.

I know, personally, I couldn’t do it without God’s help. I pleaded with him to help me forgive. I could not do it on my own. It was too difficult a task. I had to rely on God to help me get there. Once I had made the decision it took months before it finally clicked in. It was a moment I knew God had answered my prayers.

If you are having trouble forgiving on your own ask God to help you. Ask friends to pray for you. Talk to people who will help you along (some will help you foster resentments, so choose wisely). Keep wrestling with it until you get there. The result of freedom will be worth it.

We all need to be forgiven

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:12-13

We are able to truly forgive because we have been forgiven. We need to forgive so we can continue to receive the great and complete forgiveness that is a gift to us from Heaven. Do not forsake your gift by harboring resentment. Choose to forgive, no matter how difficult. I know you can, even if you think you cannot. I am not saying it is easy. I am saying that it is worthwhile.

Some books may also help you:

Dare to Forgive, by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0757302939

Choosing to Forgive; Learning to Love, by Sarah McLeary

https://www.winepressbooks.com/product.asp?pid=2085&search=choosing+to+forgive+learning+to+love&select=Keywords&ss=1

The Journey Out (Anger vs. Forgiveness Chapter), by Gretchen Flores, LCPC

https://www.winepressbooks.com/product.asp?pid=1972&search=The+Journey+Out&select=Keywords&ss=1

Blessings, Gretchen

Insomnia: Causes and Cures

2:15, 2:21, 2:47, 3:06… watching the clock during insomnia can be tormenting. When will I finally fall asleep? You wonder. Finally, you drift off into a deep dreamy sleep and what feels like moments later; BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! The alarm irritatingly reminds you that you can’t sleep in to make up for hours lost. Groggy and tired you drag yourself out of bed and reach for that extra strong cup of coffee.

Insomnia, a frustrating condition to have. As an insomnia sufferer myself I understand the struggle. There are things that do work and that can help you get a better night’s sleep. You might still have the occasional night of wakefulness but hopefully not as often.

What causes insomnia?

There are different causes for insomnia for different people. Some may have chronic worry and cannot seem to turn off the worry switch in their mind and so obsessive thoughts disturb peaceful sleep. Others just wake up unable to fall back asleep. Still others sleep fine once they fall asleep, but may take hours to relax enough to sleep. All, equally frustrating, may require different method’s to solve.

Possible Causes:

• Worry


• Too much caffeine


• Too much ginseng or other stimulants


• Not enough exercise


• Sensitivity to sound and light


• Depression or anxiety

What solves insomnia?

Again, different people may require a different solution. Sometimes you have to work through different methods to find what works for you through trial and error. Each attempt has to be given some time and commitment, as it might not be solved in an instant. Here are some ideas to try:

Possible Solutions:

• Go to bed and wake up on a regular schedule (to train your body to be in a certain rhythm).


• Have a relaxing bed-time routine. Read, watch an unexciting show, slow down, get off the phone, computer or other things that require you to think. Drink herbal tea and wind down.


• Stop drinking coffee or other stimulants by early afternoon. Some say by noon. Find what works for you. If you need caffeine to get you through the afternoon then try a type of drink with less caffeine, such as tea.


• If you cannot fall asleep after 20 minutes, get up and sit on the couch or other place until you feel drowsy again. Then go back to bed. (This trains your mind not to think too much while in bed).


• Some research has shown that those who take calcium supplements sleep better. http://www.ehow.com/how_4536607_calcium-sleep-well-night.html


• Melatonin, a natural sleep aide can help. You can buy Melatonin at the grocery store. Take it 20 minutes before bed.


• The worry box. For the worriers, a worry box helps. Buy note cards and a plastic note card box. Write down the things you worry about on the note cards. You are allowed to pull out the note cards for 10 minutes a day to worry. When you close the box you are not allowed to worry anymore. Some keep them organized in categories, such as Family, Work, and Misc…


• Drink a glass of milk before bed or during insomnia. Some research shows it doesn’t work. I will say that it works for me. It is supposed to release melatonin naturally and help you to fall asleep.


• Use the time to pray. If I can’t sleep I like to feel that I am using the time for something useful. I feel prayer is very useful and so I pray when I can’t sleep. Of course as I get tired my prayers become unusual “lord thank you for… help me to… eat pizza and get a new tire on my house…” But, I figure God understands. ;)


• If the cause of your insomnia is depression, then you may need an anti-depressant to help. Talk to your counselor or doctor about what might be best for you.


• For short-term insomnia a little bit of Benadryl can help. This is not useful for long-term insomnia and can cause dehydration.


• Sleep prescriptions can be habit forming and have side effects. Only try these if nothing else works. Also, you can probably cut the prescriptions in smaller doses because they are pretty powerful.


• Getting on a regular cardio exercise program can also help. People who exercise regularly sleep better. http://www.sleephotline.com/Sleep/categories/Excercise-Sleep.html


• Avoid long naps in the afternoon. If you absolutely need a nap. Set an alarm and make yourself get up after 10 to 20 minutes but no longer.


• Sometimes sleep deprivation can cause insomnia. Strangely, if you are over tired then you can’t sleep. Why? Because your body releases strong hormones to keep you going such as Cortisol or Adrenaline. If you make yourself stay up late to get things done, you may sabotage sleep later. http://www.adrenalfatigue.org/adrenal-fatigue-related-health-conditions/sleep-disruptions.html

Caffiene meter: (taken off the box of one of my favorite teas; Good Earth). http://www.goodearth.com

Coffee: 100 milligrams (Give or take)

Black Tea: 50 milligrams

Green Tea: 30 milligrams

White Tea: 20 milligrams

Herbal Tea: 0 milligrams

(Per 8 oz.)

Don’t make me give up my coffee!

For those of you who shudder when you think of cutting back on coffee or soda, let me tell you that the relief of a good night’s sleep is worth it. My doctor recently told me to “eliminate” caffeine for health reasons. Horrified, I kept repeating the word “eliminate” with a big question mark. “Eliminate? Certainly I can just cut back.” “No” she said. I had to stop.

Guess where the first place this compliant and willing patient went after the appointment? You guessed it. Starbucks! I headed straight there and ordered a Grande of my favorite coffee. That was my last one, though, for several weeks. I did stop drinking coffee. It was really hard to do. I was really tired and a bit grumpy. I was amazingly spacey and forgetful too. I became aware of how dependant on Caffeine I was to get through daily life.

I started to become aware of one nice side effect to my caffeine reduction…Sleep! Yes, I slept better. I felt better, and I had more natural energy during the day. It was great. Yes, I do drink a cup of coffee in the morning now, but I no longer drink three cups in the morning and then a cup or two in the afternoon. Why? Because I want to sleep! I have switched to tea for my afternoon pick me up and I do have more energy. Give it a try…I dare you. You might find you feel more rested and happier. Go for it.

Other resources:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sleep/HQ01387

Blessings to you and to all a good night’s sleep! Gretchen

Learning Assertive Communication by Using Your Emotions

I love how children are very raw about their feelings. Their feelings are on their sleeves. When they are sad or their feelings are hurt, the tears flow immediately. If they are happy they exclaim their glee with a fervor that make most adults smile with amusement. Why are adults so amused by this? Well, you see, adults have learned a skill that children haven’t yet mastered. We have learned how to suppress our emotions.

Adults know how to keep a happy face when we are sad, and how to contain our excitement when we are happy. Possibly this is why men love football games; it’s a socially acceptable place to jump up and down and yell with excitement. My husband sometimes goes hoarse after a good game. Why? It’s his chance to let it all out! Typically, the rest of the time we tend to keep our emotions in check.

On the other hand, some of us give our emotions too much credit and we do what therapists call “Emotional Reasoning.” If we feel angry, then something horrible must have just happened. If we are weepy then someone must have hurt our feelings, and so we lash out at the people around us. With further examination, we may realize that we are just disappointed and our reaction was an excessive response to the nature of the situation. Much harm can be caused when we allow our emotions to get the best of us. We may lash out, do something impulsively, falsely accuse someone, or even become suicidal.

What then do we do with our emotions? Can we trust them? Should we suppress them? Should we give them full vent and worry about the consequences later?

Learning to temper our emotions is possible and important. When you have a strong emotion, first ask yourself “what is the emotion I am feeling?” then “What triggered this feeling? Or why am I feeling this way?” Do all of this before you react impulsively. Give yourself a mini “time out” to reflect on your emotion and then decide deliberately how to express how you feel in a calm and assertive manner.

“Our emotions tell us important things, and when we are aware of them, we are able to use them to understand ourselves more. We learn what upsets us, what interests us, and what makes us feel sad” (p. 53, The Journey Out). Our emotions are powerful. We can experience a wide range of emotions such as elation, fury, or even deep sadness. Emotions release powerful neuro-chemicals into our body. They are so strong that they often override our logic.

At first we may look back after we have reacted and wonder how we got to that point. Then, as you practice tuning into your emotions, you can begin to catch yourself prior to your impulsive reaction. When we understand ourselves better we realize that we have more choices in how we respond to emotional situations. We don’t have to react on first impulse. Stop, tune into your emotions, and then decide how you will respond. Take a break if you need to. There is no rush.

The next step is learning to be assertive rather than passive or aggressive. When you are passive, you may be an emotional stuffer. In that case your feelings may surface in a form of depression or periodic rages. People can only contain strong emotions for so long before we need some form of an outlet. For some, it comes in the form of an addiction to self-medicate. If you are aggressive, then you may plow over everyone around you without consideration for his or her feelings. Your needs are central so you forget to be sensitive to others. Everyone knows what you think and how you feel.

Healthier communication involves learning assertiveness. In order to be assertive, it is important to use calm and direct communication. This sentence structure can be helpful; “I feel hurt because you didn’t wait for me.” Or “When we were late, I felt frustrated because I wanted to be there on time.” This form of communication is better than “You always make us late!”

Avoid using “You always (or never)” statements. This puts the other person on the defensive and often will lead to an argument. If someone confronts you then try to listen to what they have to say. Paraphrase what you hear them say and then respond with a calm, assertive response. This way you are more likely to resolve your differences rather than just be mad at each other.

For now, practice tuning into your emotions. Expand your feeling vocabulary. Basic feelings are; Mad, Sad, and Glad. See if you can go beyond that as you learn to tune into your emotional world a little bit more. Then begin to practice assertive communication. Good communication comes with practice.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emotions

Blessings, Gretchen