Relationships are extremely challenging. Even people who love each other deeply will have challenges communicating sometimes. Here is a list of barriers to help you see what may get in the way. These barriers may be in the pre-conscious states. Realize you may need to reflect further on your thoughts and actions to identify your barriers.

Barriers to Listening (not exhaustive):

Denial- "I am the victim. I am not contributing to this problem."
Entitlement- Making demands on the other, "You ought to treat me the way I expect you to." "I expect you to fulfill my demands of special treatment."
Mistrust- "If I listen to you, you will take advantage of me."
Revenge- "I have every right to punish you because of the way you treated me."
Defensiveness- "I must argue and defend myself."

Barriers to self-expression (not exhaustive):

Conflict Phobia- adhere to the belief that "People with good relationships don't fight. Conflict should be avoided.".
Emotophobia- "I shouldn't feel angry." The belief that anger is an unsafe emotion to have or express possibly due to imbalances in family of origin.
Emotional Perfectionism- "I should always feel happy and loving. I should be in control of my emotions at all times."
Fear of rejection- "If I tell you how I feel, our relationship will fall apart and I will end up alone."
Passive aggression- "I will punish you with silence. I will get back at you indirectly (burn your toast, show up late, forget things important to you)."

The Problem with Matching:
Couples often will start an argument and fall into a trap called "Matching." One will raise his or her voice and the other will match it with an equally strong statement. The other raises his or her voice to defend their cause and the other will also raise their voice. Both are saying a lot and neither is hearing what the other is saying. Each walks away having convinced themselves they are right because they only heard their own side of the argument.

In order to change this vicious cycle each needs to speak more calmly and listen to what their beloved is saying. Listening and hearing your beloved doesn't mean you agree with them it just means you are trying to understand them. If you are both trying to hear the other and let them share their feelings you are more likely to get at the root of the issue. Most couples just want to feel understood.

EAR:

E= Empathy

In communication giving your spouse or friend a sense that you care about them comes through empathy.

1. Disarm- Find some truth in what the other is saying even if you don't completely agree with them.

2. Empathize- Try to see things from their eyes and not your own. Reflect back what you hear they are saying and what you think they are feeling. Give them a chance to clarify.

For example, "I hear you saying that you think the sky is purple and that makes you feel happy." Notice how you don't have to agree with the person to show them you heard them. Refrain from sarcastic tone or rolling you eyes.

3. Inquire- Ask questions to demonstrate interest and to learn more about their perspective.

A= Assertiveness

4. I Feel Statements- Once you have spent the time needed hearing your beloved's thoughts and feelings respond with assertiveness (as opposed to aggressiveness or passivity). If you use "You always" or "You never" statements you will put the other on the defensive and a fight will flair up again.

"I feel _________________ when _________________." Is a good sentence structure to use.

Often couples have a small feeling vocabulary because they are so busy fighting over facts and details. The true emotion behind what has happened gets lost.

Basic feeling words are: angry, sad, hurt, lonely, afraid, uncertain, frustrated, disappointed, upset, confused, happy, glad, good, proud, etc....

R= Respect

5. Stroking- Take time to validate the other persons' feelings. Treat them with respect and even when you feel frustrated or upset. Try to say something positive about the other person. For example, "I appreciate that you helped me out the other day." Or "Thank you for taking time out of what you were doing to help me." or, "I can see that you are working really hard at work, you must be really tired." or even "Thank you for listening to me!"

Make sure you take turns listening and sharing so both of you have been able to address the issue. Healthy Relationships are not one sided.

With these tools you will find that you can resolve your conflicts and learn to understand and appreciate each other.

(Taken in part from David D. Burns Attitudes that Inhibit Intimacy, Therapists Toolkit, 1989/2006).

If you are interested in my seminar Foundations For Marriage. Please contact me at counseling@gretchenflores.com if you would like me to present this seminar at your church or local library.

I love how children are very raw about their feelings. Their feelings are on their sleeves. When they are sad or their feelings are hurt, the tears flow immediately. If they are happy they exclaim their glee with a fervor that make most adults smile with amusement. Why are adults so amused by this? Well, you see, adults have learned a skill that children haven’t yet mastered. We have learned how to suppress our emotions.

Adults know how to keep a happy face when we are sad, and how to contain our excitement when we are happy. Possibly this is why men love football games; it’s a socially acceptable place to jump up and down and yell with excitement. My husband sometimes goes hoarse after a good game. Why? It’s his chance to let it all out! Typically, the rest of the time we tend to keep our emotions in check.

On the other hand, some of us give our emotions too much credit and we do what therapists call “Emotional Reasoning.” If we feel angry, then something horrible must have just happened. If we are weepy then someone must have hurt our feelings, and so we lash out at the people around us. With further examination, we may realize that we are just disappointed and our reaction was an excessive response to the nature of the situation. Much harm can be caused when we allow our emotions to get the best of us. We may lash out, do something impulsively, falsely accuse someone, or even become suicidal.

What then do we do with our emotions? Can we trust them? Should we suppress them? Should we give them full vent and worry about the consequences later?

Learning to temper our emotions is possible and important. When you have a strong emotion, first ask yourself “what is the emotion I am feeling?” then “What triggered this feeling? Or why am I feeling this way?” Do all of this before you react impulsively. Give yourself a mini “time out” to reflect on your emotion and then decide deliberately how to express how you feel in a calm and assertive manner.

“Our emotions tell us important things, and when we are aware of them, we are able to use them to understand ourselves more. We learn what upsets us, what interests us, and what makes us feel sad” (p. 53, The Journey Out). Our emotions are powerful. We can experience a wide range of emotions such as elation, fury, or even deep sadness. Emotions release powerful neuro-chemicals into our body. They are so strong that they often override our logic.

At first we may look back after we have reacted and wonder how we got to that point. Then, as you practice tuning into your emotions, you can begin to catch yourself prior to your impulsive reaction. When we understand ourselves better we realize that we have more choices in how we respond to emotional situations. We don’t have to react on first impulse. Stop, tune into your emotions, and then decide how you will respond. Take a break if you need to. There is no rush.

The next step is learning to be assertive rather than passive or aggressive. When you are passive, you may be an emotional stuffer. In that case your feelings may surface in a form of depression or periodic rages. People can only contain strong emotions for so long before we need some form of an outlet. For some, it comes in the form of an addiction to self-medicate. If you are aggressive, then you may plow over everyone around you without consideration for his or her feelings. Your needs are central so you forget to be sensitive to others. Everyone knows what you think and how you feel.

Healthier communication involves learning assertiveness. In order to be assertive, it is important to use calm and direct communication. This sentence structure can be helpful; “I feel hurt because you didn’t wait for me.” Or “When we were late, I felt frustrated because I wanted to be there on time.” This form of communication is better than “You always make us late!”

Avoid using “You always (or never)” statements. This puts the other person on the defensive and often will lead to an argument. If someone confronts you then try to listen to what they have to say. Paraphrase what you hear them say and then respond with a calm, assertive response. This way you are more likely to resolve your differences rather than just be mad at each other.

For now, practice tuning into your emotions. Expand your feeling vocabulary. Basic feelings are; Mad, Sad, and Glad. See if you can go beyond that as you learn to tune into your emotional world a little bit more. Then begin to practice assertive communication. Good communication comes with practice.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emotions

Blessings, Gretchen

Be a Better Communicator: Couples' skills

Learning Assertive Communication by Using Your Emotions

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