Be a Better Communicator: Couples' skills

Relationships are extremely challenging.  Even people who love each other deeply will have challenges communicating sometimes.  Here is a list of barriers to help you see what may get in the way. These barriers may be in the pre-conscious states.  Realize you may need to reflect further on your thoughts and actions to identify your barriers. 

Barriers to Listening (not exhaustive):

Denial- "I am the victim.  I am not contributing to this problem."
Entitlement-   Making demands on the other, "You ought to treat me the way I expect you to."  "I expect you to fulfill my demands of special treatment."
Mistrust- "If I listen to you, you will take advantage of me."
Revenge- "I have every right to punish you because of the way you treated me."
Defensiveness- "I must argue and defend myself."

Barriers to self-expression (not exhaustive):

Conflict Phobia- adhere to the belief that "People with good relationships don't fight.  Conflict should be avoided.".
Emotophobia- "I shouldn't feel angry." The belief that anger is an unsafe emotion to have or express possibly due to imbalances in family of origin. 
Emotional Perfectionism- "I should always feel happy and loving. I should be in control of my emotions at all times."
Fear of rejection- "If I tell you how I feel, our relationship will fall apart and I will end up alone."
Passive aggression- "I will punish you with silence. I will get back at you indirectly (burn your toast, show up late, forget things important to you)."

The Problem with Matching:
Couples often will start an argument and fall into a trap called "Matching." One will raise his or her voice and the other will match it with an equally strong statement. The other raises his or her voice to defend their cause and the other will also raise their voice.  Both are saying a lot and neither is hearing what the other is saying.  Each walks away having convinced themselves they are right because they only heard their own side of the argument. 

In order to change this vicious cycle each needs to speak more calmly and listen to what their beloved is saying.  Listening and hearing your beloved doesn't mean you agree with them it just means you are trying to understand them.  If you are both trying to hear the other and let them share their feelings you are more likely to get at the root of the issue.  Most couples just want to feel understood.

EAR:

Once you identify your barriers to self expression and listening it's time to learn how to be a better listener.  Dr. David Burns, MD calls his method EAR (copyright 1991/2006).

E= Empathy

In communication giving your spouse or friend a sense that you care about them comes through empathy.

1. Disarm- Find some truth in what the other is saying even if you don't completely agree with them.

2. Empathize- Try to see things from their eyes and not your own.  Reflect back what you hear they are   saying and what you think they are feeling. Give them a chance to clarify. 

For example, "I hear you saying that you think the sky is purple and that makes you feel happy."  Notice how you don't have to agree with the person to show them you heard them.  Refrain from sarcastic tone or rolling you eyes. 

3. Inquire-  Ask questions to demonstrate interest and to learn more about their perspective.


A= Assertiveness

4. I Feel Statements- Once you have spent the time needed hearing your beloved's thoughts and feelings respond with assertiveness (as opposed to aggressiveness or passivity).  If you use "You always" or "You never" statements you will put the other on the defensive and a fight will flair up again. 

"I feel _________________ when _________________." Is a good sentence structure to use.

Often couples have a small feeling vocabulary because they are so busy fighting over facts and details.  The true emotion behind what has happened gets lost. 

Basic feeling words are:  angry, sad, hurt, lonely, afraid, uncertain, frustrated, disappointed, upset, confused, happy, glad, good, proud, etc....
   

R= Respect

5. Stroking-  Take time to validate the other persons' feelings.  Treat them with respect and even when you feel frustrated or upset.  Try to say something positive about the other person.  For example, "I appreciate that you helped me out the other day." Or "Thank you for taking time out of what you were doing to help me." or, "I can see that you are working really hard at work, you must be really tired." or even "Thank you for listening to me!"

Make sure you take turns listening and sharing so both of you have been able to address the issue.  Healthy Relationships are not one sided. 

With these tools you will find that you can resolve your conflicts and learn to understand and appreciate each other. 


(Taken in part from David D. Burns Attitudes that Inhibit Intimacy, Therapists Toolkit, 1989/2006).

If you are interested in my seminar Foundations For Marriage.  Please contact me at counseling@gretchenflores.com if you would like me to present this seminar at your church or local library.  

What I Learned From Adrenal Fatigue; A Faith Perspective (part 2)

Overachiever
Before I experienced burn out 10 years ago, I thought I was super spiritual.  I never ever missed church.  Even a Chicago blizzard couldn't keep me away from Sunday am church. I arose early to shovel my way out and brave the snow covered streets to get to church on time.  Truth was, I loved going to church.  I rarely missed my small group bible study and I always kept my commitments.  If I said yes to something (and I said yes to most things) I showed up.  I showed up even if I had a splitting headache, a stomach ache, or little sleep.

I never said it, but I looked down on people who only showed up to church occasionally thinking they were lazy.  I took great pride in my faith and my works oriented approach.  Very dutifully I went above and beyond what was expected of me and I thrived on it.   Sometimes, I got a rush out of it.  Little did I know I was soon headed for a downfall.  God was going to allow me to experience severe burnout (see also previous post on Adrenal Fatigue). 

After I burned out, I could no longer keep up with my own pace even if I tried.  Exhausted and depleted, I was forced to become what I had looked down upon.   I was forced to be the person who missed church, who stopped going to bible study, who said no to everyone who asked me to do something.  Or worse, just didn't show.  The life I had thrived on was gone. 

The Shift
Something important shifted in me and I became a more gracious person toward those I had failed to understand.  Pride was replaced with understanding, and arrogance with compassion.  Where I had  failed to comprehend what kept people out of church I now understood.  I became less judgmental toward the occasional church goer...shoot, I became one.

God had taught me an important spiritual lesson that his love and acceptance doesn't come from works.  It truly is his free gift.  He had allowed me to come to the end of myself to find him there ready to hold my weary body in his loving arms.   In his arms, just resting, I found relief and restoration.  The biggest surprise was acceptance and love from the one I thought would tell me to get up and do more.  I gained a new perspective and learned how to receive God's grace.

Verses for Consideration
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  Lamentations 3:22

Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  Matthew 11:28

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10a

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. ⁶And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, ⁷in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. ⁸For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹not by works, so that no one can boast.  Ephesians 2:4-9 (from http://www.biblegateway.com)

How to Find a Good Therapist

What Questions to Ask:

I am often surprised by the lack of questions asked by new clients.  I make it a point to offer a chance to ask me a few questions.  Most clients will say they don't have any, and want to know when can we start.   To be honest with you, I think that it is really important to ask a few good questions before you start with your therapist, even if they have been recommended to you. 

I have often wondered why prospective clients don't ask many questions.  Possibly it is difficult to know what to ask.  Or maybe there is a sense that the therapist is an authority figure and people feel disinclined to ask pertinent questions.  Possibly, there is an assumption that credentials automatically mean you know what you are doing.  Here are a few tips on what you might consider asking.

What theory or theories do you use?

What does that mean?

What training have you received?

How long have you been a therapist?

Do you receive supervision?

Do you consult with other therapists?

Are you licensed?

Are you working toward licensure?

Do you have any specialties?

Do you enjoy your work?

What do you charge?

Do you accept insurance?

Where did you receive your training?

Even if you are not particularly interested in the answer, it is a good idea to ask a few questions upfront.  This gives you a sense right away for your therapist.  A highly skilled therapist might not be a good match for you personality wise.  If this is someone you are going to hire to share your deepest struggles with, then you need to know you might feel comfortable with them before you get started.  Clients sometimes have difficulty discontinuing and then starting over with a new therapist once they have started to open up and share their story. 

Even if you don't have a clue about psychology or theory it is a good question to ask.  A well grounded counselor should be able to answer this question easily and give you a sense of their approach.  There is a wide range of theory bases and they vary in how they approach a problem.  If you don't feel at ease with hypnosis for example and you start with a Therapist who relies on it in counseling, then you may not be compatible. 

If you are looking for a faith based counselor then you may need to know what faith means to that therapist.  Does it mean that they went to church a few times growing up or does it mean that they live out their faith daily?  A good therapist-client match can be a real dynamic environment for positive growth and change.  Clients need to understand that they have a say in the relationship and they should feel free to ask such questions upfront.  You are in fact hiring someone to help you with your life.  Go ahead and ask. 

A very brief summary of some common theory types (These descriptions barely scratch the surface):

DBT (Linehan)-  Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is all the rage right now.  Insurance companies even reimburse for it (quite frankly a big deal considering their lack of support for mental health).  It is based on Eastern Religion practices of mindfulness/meditation practices.  If you are desiring to stick to a faith based therapy choose instead a Cognitive Behavioral, Person Centered, or Rational Emotive therapist who has an active faith.   Or make sure the DBT therapist has a strong faith and can point you back to faith principles while using DBT workbooks/exercises to improve insight.  I personally don't recommend a blending of the two. 

Cognitive Therapy (Beck)- Based on the concept that how one thinks is reflected in how one feels and behaves.  If you address dysfunctional thought patterns than you modify feelings and behavior.   The goal is a "cognitive shift" in which misperceptions are discovered and moved to a more balanced position of function. 

Behavioral Therapists (Pavlov, Skinner)-  The concept is that behavior needs to be changed first and then cognitions, and feelings will adapt.  Concepts of conditioning, social learning, behavior modification are predominant.  Understanding is not important. 

Person Centered (Rogers)- Based on the concept that when a client is provided with an environment of acceptance a client will work toward "self-actualization" on their own.  The therapist provides unconditional positive regard while the client works out their issues of concern. 

Rational Emotive (Ellis)- Addresses how our emotions are linked to our behaviors and linked to our thoughts.  Finds an Activating Event and analyzes how the thoughts and behaviors are connected to it, and then works to modify the thoughts (irrational beliefs) to modify reactions (Emotional Consequences). 

Gestalt (Wolfgang von Goeth and others)- Therapist will engage in dialogue rather than focus client on a goal.  Purpose of the dialogue is to increase awareness.  Gestalt is understanding of the shape of an entities form.  Pictures and symbolism are used to capture the "Gestalt" or shape.  Clients are encouraged to do their own decision making.  Various therapy models may be used in the context of the therapeutic relationship.   Focus on the "here and now" or present awareness of present issues as opposed to lengthy analysis of the past. 

Analytical Psychotherapy (Jung)- Focuses on the unconscious psyche and archetypes (i.e. the self, the persona, the shadow).  The goal is to become more conscious trough psychotherapy, dream analysis and a process of self knowledge. 

EMDR- Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (Shapiro)-  An 8 phase treatment based on information processing therapies.  Traumatic memories are paired with a series of eye movements (mimicking REM sleep patterns), and tapping (soothing movements).  The pairing has been found to produce diminished trauma symptoms and resolution of the memory.  It has been found to be effective for severe trauma including veterans with PTSD.  Select a therapist with demonstrated training in the method. 

Psychoanalysis (Freud)- emphasis on analysis of the subconscious and dream interpretation.  Traditionally this is the one where clients lie on the couch and look away from the therapist while the client speaks.  Many of the concepts are still used in current theories but through different means.  Dream interpretation, and analysis of the unconscious and conscious states are common components.  Transference (the clients projected reaction to the therapist) and counter-transference (the therapists reaction to the client) are used to increase understanding.

Transactional Analysis (Berne)-  Addresses three prevalent ego states in within each individual; Parent, Adult, Child.  The idea is that we function out of ego states and our response to life will reflect either a Parent, Adult, or Child ego state.  Ego states are considered patterns of feelings and experiences as related to behavior.  TA therapists use simple vocabulary and set up treatment goals for their client. 

Adlerian (Adler)- Individual psychology is interpersonal in recognizing how we interact with others.  Emphasis on choices, family history and social interactions.  People are studied in the contact of social interactions.  The meanings we interpret from life will influence our behavior.  Emphasis on meanings and perceptions drawn from life. 

Family Systems (Whitaker, Ackerman, Bowen, Minuchin)- Families typically come in with an "identified patient" (symptom bearer).  The goal of the family therapist is to modify the family relationships to attain harmony and balance so that the symptomatic behavior is alleviated.  The focus is not on the individual but on the system of the family.  Concepts of triangulation, double bind, marital schism and enmeshments are addressed. 


Side note:  I always say you want to make sure you have a sane therapist, not a "psycho" therapist... Har har! 

Why choosing a Licensed therapist is important:

After moving to Colorado from Illinois where requirements for private practice are stringent I was shocked to learn that in Colorado you do not even need to have a degree to become an "Unlicensed Psychotherapist."  I personally find this appalling because it fails to protect the public from untrained therapists who have not had the training to learn the skills of the trade. 

It also fails to protect the counselor from severe pathology.  Most clients are high functioning individuals who just want to improve their life.  Other clients can be incredibly manipulative and even dangerous.   I, myself, have been in life threatening situations. 

Please select a therapist who is licensed.  This shows that they have dedicated a lot of time and effort to learning how to be effective at helping people.  Their skills have been tested and their knowledge base has been established through at least one, if not two, 4 hour examinations on counseling skills.  If you want a good therapist but cannot afford a licensed therapist choose a therapist who is working toward licensure.  They should have lower fees but are meeting weekly with a licensed therapist to help them with their cases and then are studying to take the examination. 

What the letters mean:
 
LPC-  Licensed Professional Counselor
LCPC- Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
LMFT- Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
PsyD- Doctor of Psychology
PhD- Doctor of Philosophy (Can be specifically in Psychology)
CADC- Certified Addictions Counselor


What theories do I adhere to?

Well, first and foremost I feel the ultimate therapist is the Holy Spirit,  "But the counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you."  John 14:26  He is described often as a counselor.  I rely most on Him, and often as clients are sharing their problems I am praying inwardly at the same time asking, "show me how I can help this client."  He brings to mind what I need from my training and experience to help clients through their circumstances. 

I feel it is unfortunate that some Christians (Authors, Pastors) are opposed to counseling.  I assume this is a result of bad experiences from inexperienced therapists, or therapists who rely heavily on secular philosophies rather than faith principles.  Again, that is why it is important to interview the therapist you are hiring to help you.  Pastors should meet with and interview any therapist they are considering using as a resource for them.  A good faith based counselor can really help support pastors who are very busy overseeing ministries.

In my approach, I draw from a range of theoretical methods.  My graduate school training taught all of the afore mentioned methods.  However, I utilize Cognitive-Behavioral, Rational Emotive, and Person Centered Methods most frequently.  If it seems a present behavior is linked to a past experience or event I will spend time there exploring the connection to add insight.  I feel insight gives you the freedom to choose how you will proceed rather than just reacting automatically to life as it happens to you.  

Dreams can also add insight and are often rich with symbolism that can be looked at to draw from the pre-conscious states.  However, I don't spend too much time on dreams because they can also be overemphasized.  An occasional peek into dream states can open up a fresh perspective. 

An example of dream symbolism, is a frequent dream that I have.  When I step out of my comfort zone by accepting a challenge I often dream that I am standing on the edge of a cliff with my back pressed against the outer wall of a house (house offers comfort).  I'm usually on a small ledge and considering how I will proceed.  This reflects my fear and awareness that I am not in my comfort zone. 

I also rely heavily on the concept of forgiveness.  What's the point of analyzing past hurts if you don't forgive those who have injured you.  Forgiveness releases you from the burden of bitterness and buried rage that finds its outlet in other unhealthy ways that can damage our relationships, "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it only leads to evil."  (Psalm 38:8).  The lack of forgiveness brings about more hurt for more people.  Forgiveness is not tolerance of abusive or hurtful actions, firm boundaries may be important.  It is an acknowledgement that a wrong was done but a decision is made to forgive and let go of bitterness.



I know that was a lot of information but I hope it is useful as you now are armed with a sense of what to ask your prospective therapist. 

Best wishes to you in you personal journey toward health,

Gretchen


Resource:
Current Psychotherapies, 4th Edition by Raymond Corsini and Danny Wedding;  F.E. Peacock publishers, Inc.  Illinois, copyright 1989. 

When Life Drains You: Adrenal Fatigue

Do you find yourself wondering, "What happened to the days when I had tons of endless energy?" Do you drag yourself out of bed with no motivation for the day?
Do you feel dread has replaced enthusiasm? Possibly you have adrenal fatigue.

I developed an interest in adrenal fatigue when I completely ran out of steam.  After years of taking on too much and not getting enough sleep I finally crashed and couldn't rebound.  I wondered how I had rebounded so well in the past and why suddenly I wasn't able to any more.  I started researching.

At first, my research was focused on how I could recover so I could start pushing myself hard again and be as productive as I used to be.  I soon realized that if I was going to recover, I needed to learn how to slow down and pace myself.  No more two and three hour sleep nights so I could do more than humanly possible.   No more taking on a full time job, a full time ministry, and saying yes to everyone who asked me to do something for them.  I was at the end of my rope and realized that if I kept up my insane pace I was in serious trouble. 

Recognizing why I pushed myself so hard was critical.  What drove me to push myself so hard? What was I trying to prove? What would my identity be once I learned to say no? Would people still like me?  A good hard look inward is a critical part of the process.  Unless you figure those things out, it will not matter what you learn about recovery from adrenal fatigue.  You will certainly fall back into old habits. 

What is Adrenal Fatigue Anyway?

Adrenal fatigue is when you have drained your adrenal system of it's reserves and you no longer have adrenalin or other similar hormones to keep you going.  Your body does a pretty good job of regulating itself on it's own when we pace ourselves reasonably.  It's when we push our body past it's own capacities over and over again that they system becomes taxed. 

If you push yourself past your limits of fatigue to accomplish more then your adrenals release powerful hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline; God given hormones to help us arise to a stressful situation if needed.  I'm glad for such a system in case I need to outrun a bear someday.  However, what research is showing is that modern day bombardments of work related stress and demands of an over-scheduled life tax our adrenals constantly.  It's like we are trying to out run a bear everyday.  As a result, a system that is supposed to help us out "in case of emergencies only" becomes a daily factor in our lives. 

Eventually, the adrenals will announce "I've had enough" and will shut down.  To keep up with my commitments I used to function on two or three hours of sleep, and then I would crash by going to bed at 6:00 pm and sleep 12-14 hours and then start over again.  Each time I was able to rebound with new energy to press ahead, at least until I couldn't anymore. 

Why are you reading this article?

Possibly you are reading this because you too are tired beyond belief and you are wondering how you can possibly keep up with the demands.  Or, possibly you are wondering how you can continue to be be Superman or Wonder Woman and want to make sure nothing stops you.  Or, maybe you see yourself on the path to self destruction and you realize at some point you need to stop but you just don't know how. 
Whatever your reasons are, I hope you learn something important to apply to your life to make it more fulfilling and not more demanding. 


Tips For Keeping a Better Balance

• Get enough sleep! Do not skimp on sleep.  When you do it forces your adrenals to produce more stress hormones to keep you going.  Eventually you will run out and a taxed adrenal system will leave you vulnerable to a variety of health problems.

• Take vitamin C and eat foods rich in vitamin C.  This will help your body recover from stressful events or lifestyle habits that tax the adrenals by lowering oxidative damage.

• Take a vitamin B complex to help you recover.  Your adrenals need vitamin B especially B3 (niacin), B5 (pantothenic acid), and B6 (pyridoxine) to function.

• Eat a well balanced diet with whole grains, fish, legumes, meats, and veggies. Processed foods will not help your body recover.  In fact they will tear it down. 

• If you feel a need to pump your body with caffeine take a nap instead.  Fatigue means you need sleep.  If you consistently push yourself past your limits, you will tax the adrenals causing greater and greater levels of fatigue later on.

• Eat breakfast.  This helps stabilize your blood sugar and supplies your body with nutrition so it doesn't have to draw from stress hormones that can be toxic at higher levels.  Go for whole grains and protein for breakfast. 

• Give up the notion that you have to accomplish it all perfectly. My dad once asked me how I manage to get blogs done with a family and a job.  My answer; if I get a blog out then I am probably behind on laundry (and a few other things).  It’s okay to prioritize.

• Learn how to say “no.”  For some of us this is a frightening proposal.  Your need to please others and attain approval is so high you cannot fathom saying no.  Well, it’s time to learn.  Go ahead...practice.  Say it out loud several times.  Say “no” to yourself in the mirror.  Start saying no to people who ask you to do things.  Realize that the world doesn’t come to an end and you are still liked and appreciated. 

• Honor your limits.  Learn to tune into your body and when you reach a threshold don't ignore it.  Take a break, put your head down on your desk and take a power nap, go home on time.  To honor your limits you need to tune into yourself and learn when you start to go beyond what is necessary. 

• Prioritize.  If you need to take some things out of your busy lifestyle then do it.  Tell yourself you can fit in in later.  If you are adding things take other things out.  You cannot do it all at the same time.  Tame the over-achiever in you and slow down.

• Keep fulfilling things in on your priority list. What fulfills you?  Time with friends? Family? Golf? Jogging?  Don't skimp on those....life is not just about being productive.  It is about having some fun too!

Truthfully, if you learn these important skills then you will be more satisfied with the things that you do choose to do.  You will have more energy for your family and less dread when you head to the office.  I hope you can find some of this useful.   Depending on how far along your adrenal fatigue is it may take time to recover.  Start implementing a few things and don’t give up if you don’t see results immediately.  For me it took a good year to start to feel better.  Then, each year after that just got better. 

Best wishes to you! 

Gretchen


great resources:

http://www.adrenalfatigue.org   

http://www.womentowomen.com/adrenalfatigue/default.aspx

Your Mood and Diet: Eat These Foods and Feel Better Naturally

You may not realize that your diet may be to blame for suffering mood swings. Diet can affect your moods very quickly. Once you learn to follow these principles you will start to feel more emotionally stable throughout the day.

Mood swings can be caused by shifts in blood sugar levels even if you don’t have diabetes. Eating too many simple carbohydrates such as white bread, pasta or white rice can metabolize into sugar and doesn’t really have what your body needs. These simple fillers can be culprits for irritability or mood swings. Allergies or food sensitivities can also be to blame for irritability.

Not getting enough important vitamins, minerals and fatty acids can also affect mood negatively. Do you wonder why you feel so lethargic and moody? Do you wish you could just “snap out of it?” Do you lose your temper sometimes and wish you hadn’t? Check your diet.

Foods that help you to reduce stress:

Turkey- L-Tryptophan is notorious for everyone wanting a long nap after Thanksgiving dinner because of it’s relaxing properties. It also helps your body release serotonin an important brain chemical lacking in people with anxiety or depression. So eat more turkey to increase your serotonin levels and to relax a little. Bananas and dark chocolate also have some Tryptophan as well.

Spinach and green veggies- Has lots of Magnesium in it, which has been known to help combat fatigue and reduce migraines. Fresh spinach is best to avoid cooking out some of the best nutrients with heat. Vegetables are important for your body to function well and have a wide variety of vitamins and minerals needed for energy. Keep your veggie diet diverse and experimental. You might be surprised what you like. I like to add lots of seasonings and herbs to make them flavorful.

Salmon and other fish with omega 3’s- Omega 3 fatty acids are good for you for several reasons. When combating stress, these valuable nutrients help reduce the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline. This will help your body return to normal after a stressful event. Also, your brain cells rely on fatty acids to maintain optimal functioning.

Sweet Potatoes- Sweet potatoes not only satisfy your craving for carbs they are full of good for you nutrients; beta-carotene, vitamins, and fiber. Their sweet flavor may also satisfy a sweet-tooth (Even the hard-core sweet tooth should try it).

Oranges- The vitamin C in oranges and other similar fruits can stabilize your blood pressure and also lower the stress hormone cortisol. Too much cortisol can lead to weight gain and fatigue. Vitamin C can also strengthen your immune system. Kiwi fruit, red bell peppers and many other fruits and veggies can also provide vitamin C.

Avocados- This delicious food has loads of potassium and healthy fats to help your body. Go ahead and indulge in some yummy guacamole sometimes! I personally like to spread a little bit on my turkey sandwich with a pinch of salt. Yummy.

Nuts- Nuts are usually packed full of nutrients such as vitamin E or B and help your body stay at it’s best. Nuts also contain Omega 3 fatty acids that are important for brain functioning. Small handfuls are best since they do pack a lot of calories.

Whole Grains- Grains offer many beneficial properties but one is to aide in digestion of the foods mentioned above. Fiber helps your body’s digestive system work well.

Protein- If you find that you have had too many simple carbohydrates and your energy and mood starts to tank then quickly eat some protein. Protein is important to give your body the energy it needs.

It is important to eat a balanced diet. I know, I know, you have heard that so many times before that now it just goes in one ear and out the other. If you are having mood troubles it is important to pay attention this time. Ask yourself what you are eating and how much. Have plenty of fresh fruits and veggies around for snacks. Try really hard not to binge snack on simple carbs (anything with refined sugar and white flour). Graham crackers have been a favorite of mine but I started to notice that I became grouchy about a ½ hour after I had indulged. Sometimes I even felt angry. Now if I have clients who tell me they feel angry and don’t know why, I often start with diet.

If you want to make sure you are getting enough good stuff then you may need to supplement your diet. Here are some supplement suggestions:

Vitamin B Complex- There are several B vitamins that are important. A deficiency in B vitamins has been implicated in individuals with depression. Research by Schimelpfening noted that vitamin B1 (thiamine) is a primary vitamin needed to treat depression symptoms. There are 6 B vitamins, so supplementing with a B Complex is a good way to cover your bases.

Calcium- Calcium is an important mineral not just for your bone health. It also helps you to sleep at night, which is also important to function at your best.

Omega 3 Fatty Acids- Fish oil tablets or Flax seed can provide this important fat to help your brain function at it’s best. Some research has shown that a lack of Omega 3’s is to blame for an increase in depression and bipolar disorder. Taking Omega 3’s will help increase the neurotransmitter Serotonin needed to relieve mood disorders.

If you don’t take fish oil because of the unpleasant phenomenon known as “fish burps” then stick with flax seed tablets or ground flax seed. I put mine in yogurt and spaghetti sauce (that way my family gets some too). I have also found fish oil tablets made to dissolve in your intestine so you won’t experience the flavor later. Don’t miss out on the benefits of Omega 3’s in your diet! Even if you don’t have depression it is an important nutrient for your body.

Green Tea- This herb has several beneficial properties. For this article it is important to note that it helps with easing anxiety symptoms. If you need caffeine Green Tea can be a better option than coffee because it is less likely to make you jittery.

Cinnamon- This delicious spice can help your body metabolize sugar. You can take it in pill form or just shake some on your oatmeal or put some in your coffee.

Fruits and Veggies- Believe it or not you can take your veggies in a pill. For those of you who just can’t seem to get your veggies into your diet take them in a pill or powder. A company called Juice+ has these supplements, whole foods or other health food markets have them as well.

So hopefully this helps to improve your mental health and lead to better moods. If we are all in a better mood than this place is a more pleasant place to live. Take better care of yourself and your family and friends will thank you.

Blessings to you, Gretchen

Resources:

http://personalitymooddisorders.suite101.com/article.cfm/nutrition_and_mental_health?sms_ss=email

http://nutrition.suite101.com/article.cfm/how-to-avoid-mood-swings-using-food-and-diet

http://depressiongrief.suite101.com/article.cfm/treat-depression-with-fish-oil

How to Battle Anxiety and Panic

Never Alone

Since fear and dread and worry

Cannot help in any way,

It’s much healthier and happier

To be cheerful every day—

And if we’ll only try it

We will find, without a doubt,

A cheerful attitude’s something

No one should be without—

For when the heart is cheerful

It cannot be filled with fear,

And without fear the way ahead

Seems more distinct and clear—

And we realize there’s nothing

We need to face alone,

For our heavenly Father loves us

And our problems are His own.

Helen Steiner Rice

Once you have anxiety or trauma has triggered panic attacks, it can be very distressing and difficult to overcome. Once anxiety starts it is hard to squelch it. It has a life of it’s own. Trauma and abuse can change the chemistry in the brain and set into motion automatic responses to triggers and reminders of the trauma. Once you have had panic attacks, pathways have been set in the brain that leave you vulnerable to more panic attacks.

Friends and family may be puzzled or tell you it is all in your head. But you know it’s more than that; it’s in your brain, it’s in your body, and you can’t seem to run away from it because wherever you go-there you are. Once the response starts a surreal experience occurs and you feel unable to calm down.

God seemed to know we would struggle with anxiety because scripture often addresses it. He reminds us of his loving care and assures us not to feel anxious or to worry, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7-8). Still, we worry about our kids, our future, our job, making the mortgage payment, our parents, to name only a few.

Worry and Panic are separate entities, but the treatment for each can be related.  

1. Learn to manage your self-talk or inner dialogue.

Name Calling: I am aware that many of us spend a lot of time abusing ourselves verbally in our thought life. We may call ourselves names or put pressure on ourselves to do things “just so”. When we fall short of our (excessive) expectations we may call ourselves a “loser”, “stupid” or any other variety of names. If you call yourself names then it is important to catch yourself and then tell yourself, “I am not a loser!” This will help you change your habits. Take labeling yourself out and focus on the situation, “I am not stupid, I just made a mistake.”

Catastrophizing: Assuming that a negative outcome will occur and that it will be catastrophic. This is usually where we live in “What if” land. What if______________ happens? It would be horrible! If you use the words horrible, awful, terrible or other extreme word to describe everyday occurrences then you need to stop! Without realizing the magnitude of words and our thought life we set ourselves up for anxiety.

Change your thoughts to reflect minor disappointments rather then “end of the world” scenarios. If you are late to practice it is not the end of the world…it is just a disappointment, for example.

Underestimating your ability to cope: While you may overestimate the gravity of the situation, you may also underestimate your inner strength. You might feel that you will die of embarrassment, people will think less of you, or you don’t have what it takes. It is important to recognize your own resilience. Remind yourself of past successes, or tell yourself “I can do this”, instead of “I can’t do this.” Or, “If it isn’t perfect then it is okay.” Work hard to reassure yourself instead of assuming your own failure.

2. Meditate on Scripture

Christians don’t panic! Meditation has long been a Christian practice. As long as the meditative time is focused on the Lord, Scripture, and His presence meditation can be fulfilling and life changing.

“The Bible is full of reflective or meditative passages and calls us to open our private worlds to them. Among the most popular are those passages out of the Psalms where the writer fixes his mind upon certain aspects of God’s being and consistent care for His children” (P. 214, Ordering your Private World, Gordon MacDonald).

If you struggle from anxiety do a search on http://www.biblegateway.com to find some verses that speak to you. You can search by word or phrase. Type in anxiety or worry and see what comes up. Write those verses down and meditate on them. Ask God to reveal to you what He wants you to know about His character. Sit in a quiet place and let the verses sink into your soul. Let your soul be like a sponge and the verses a drink. As they sink in you will feel your perspective changing.

Verses that stand out to you can be written on note cards or paper and taped on your bathroom mirror, or your kitchen cabinets. This way you can read them daily as you allow God’s spirit and love to minister to your soul.

Another quote from Gordon MacDonald clarifies; “The act of meditation is like tuning the spirit to heavenly frequencies. One takes a portion of scripture and simply allows it to enter into the deepest recesses of self. There are often several different results: cleansing, reassurance, the desire to praise and give thanksgiving” (p. 214, Ordering Your Private World).

Life is harried, busy and we normally have too much on our plates to stop and do this. I find that when I do, I gain perspective on what I need to be focused on and somehow the capacity to do it comes along with it. We think we are wasting precious time to slow down enough to find a quiet place to mediate on scripture, but it helps us more than frantically chasing our own schedule. I challenge you to make this a habit and see what happens.

3. Visualize a peaceful scene

Sometimes during those quiet times the Holy Spirit can give you an image of something to bring fresh perspective. I shared before how I pictured a bungee cord holding me up on top of a skyscraper when I had panic attacks 12 years ago when I was held up at gunpoint in my office. That helped but as I continued to pray the cord was replaced with an image of the Lord or and angel holding me up and carrying me to safety. My sense of security improved and my anxiety started to subside.

For those of you who can’t sleep due to excessive worry you can pray and ask God to give you an image of a peaceful scene. You can select a favorite place to visualize to take your mind off of your worries. I personally choose the beach and overlooking the water. Some of my early quiet times were done at the beach and I grew up near the lake. Others of you may choose a mountain scene or something else. Whatever it is, use it to deter your thoughts off of your anxiety.

4. Deep Breathing

This is a very simple exercise. It involves changing your breathing habits. It is not meditation. When you are stressed or anxious most of us will start to breath short shallow breaths from our chest. We usually don’t realize we are doing this. Most of us live high paced lives and rapid shallow breathing becomes habitual. When we are relaxed we should be breathing deep slow breath’s from our gut.

The way to test your breathing is place one hand on your shoulder and one on your stomach and breath in. Either your hand on your shoulder will go up or the one on your stomach will go out. If your shoulder goes up then you are breathing improperly. You will get less oxygen to your brain and muscles, which will increase your stress level.

Practice until the hand on your shoulder stays down and your stomach pushes your hand on your stomach out. Once you get it (it’s okay to chuckle while you are learning) then do several slow breaths in and out counting slowly to 4 or 5.

In…2…3…4… Out…2…3…4… In…2…3…4… Out…2…3…4… In…2…3…4… and so on.

I practice in the car, grocery isle and any time I remember to switch my breathing back to a calmer state. If you are a singer this breathing will give you more breath support and for the rest of us it will help us be less anxious. Keep practicing until it becomes habit.

5. Stay away from stimulants

Too much caffeine, ginseng, or decongestants can trigger panic or create anxiety attacks. If you have anxiety it is probably not a good idea to drink Starbucks double shots, Red Bull, or other energy drinks. They will jazz you up only to perpetuate the cycle and dependence on them to keep you going.

6. Medication

Some people shy away from anti-depressants because it implies you don’t have enough faith or you are not strong enough to handle it on your own.  Would a diabetic not take insulin to treat an imbalance in the body? Would that mean a diabetic didn’t have faith? What about someone with a thyroid condition? Thyroid medications are among those most prescribed in the nation. So why then would we say to someone who has a deficiency of Serotonin in the brain to not take medication to treat it?

Severe Depression and Anxiety can be debilitating and very real. If you or someone you know is suffering the ill effects of debilitating anxiety you may want to consult with your doctor. I know of few people who would take medication just to take medication. If you are considering it then I assume you may need it. Try other things in addition to the medication. Exercise is a natural way to improve Serotonin imbalances in the brain (although, It may not be enough for severe depression). Don’t feel ashamed, but be responsible for your own well-being.

I hope that is enough to get you started. Hang in there because sometimes these things work and other times they don’t. Do not get discouraged and do not give up. It is a life long process and sometimes life throws a bunch of stressors at us at once. Just keep going forward and remember that you are not alone. God is nearby for you to call out to for help. Here are some good verses to start with:

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing why do you worry about the rest?” (Luke 12:25-26)

“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34)

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8)

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27b)

Best wishes to you and keep the faith!--Gretchen

Getting a Good Workout is a Lot Like Faith

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

Has your faith been challenged? Have you considered giving up your faith? What is faith anyway? Can you see faith? If so, what does it look like? My life has often been a battle with the issue of faith. There are times my faith feels strong and unbending and other moments I feel wrought with worry and lack of faith. How can I be so strong one moment and so weak the next? Sometimes life feels like a series of faith stretching experiments intended to create muscle on this invisible aspect of my life.

Getting back in shape is tough. I joined a gym recently for three months hoping to jump-start my out of shape body. This body, weak from a sedentary job and lack of discipline over the last several years needed to start slowly. However, one day I decided to make up for a couple of missed days.

I felt so good on the elliptical machine, and pushed my pace sweating and glorying in my newfound energy. I decided to do weights after and pushed myself a little harder than usual. Then I did a bunch of sit-ups concentrating hard on working the muscles. I felt so good about myself when I got to the locker room. I smugly put my day clothes back on and headed to the car proud of all I had done.

Hours later I started to feel sluggish. A headache came on and I lugged my tired body around wondering what had happened to all of that energy. I tried several times to accomplish some tasks but my body stalled. Exhausted and feeling useless I put a show on for the kids after school and lay down to nap.

I drank water and sports drinks trying to revive my tired body but to no avail. I was done for the day and surrendered to the fact that I had no strength left. My husband came home and I eased him in to my state of exhaustion by announcing leftovers for dinner. Apologetically, I went to bed early hoping for a better tomorrow.

Has that ever happened to you with your faith? Have you felt strong and unstoppable? Has the world felt conquerable to you as you felt confident that all would go well for you and you had the strength to face each challenge only to find soon after you felt discouraged, hopeless, and afraid?

I have learned that faith isn’t about feeling good. It’s not about the mountaintop experiences when you have accomplished something big. It’s about knowing. Knowing that no matter what you are going through God loves you and cares about you. It’s having confidence that he will lead you through even the toughest of circumstances when your not sure you feel him nearby.

It’s the times your prayers seem to go unanswered but you continue to trust him knowing he is working things out in his timing (always better than mine I have learned). It is knowing that even if we are poor on earth we have an inheritance in Heaven waiting for us. Faith has its ups and downs just like exercise. One moment we can run the race with our legs strong underneath us, and other times we ice our wounds and tired legs and wonder why we bother running in the first place.

Are you weary? It’s okay. It just means you have had a good faith workout. Press on and trust that at the end is a prize worth the dedication and time.

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Hebrews 12:1b

Standing on Top of a Skyscraper: My Battle With Panic Attacks

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

I froze as he pressed the barrel of his gun to my head and said, “I’m going to kill you!”  Then just as suddenly he turned and ran out the door of my office, down the hall and out to the street.  He knew I had pressed the panic button so he fled.  The officer showed up and asked me several questions while I sat trembling like a leaf.   Police cars drove up and down the streets looking for the man with a gun.  I drove home from work thinking, “Wow, I could have died today.” 

Just out of a verbally abusive relationship and over-committed in several areas of my life, I lacked the emotional reserves to fall back on.   The nightmares started immediately with vivid scenarios of me being chased by men with guns and an inability to escape or contact someone for help.  I would wake up feeling terrified.    The panic attacks were delayed.  A few weeks later I started having severe panic attacks.  I couldn’t function at work.  When a panic attack hit, I couldn’t think, I felt like I could get up and run a marathon at full speed at that very moment.  My body would surge with adrenaline.  

Even more distressing to me was that I couldn’t push through it.  I had put myself through a lot of stress in the past and I was always able to rebound.  This time I was incapable of pressing through.  I felt like a blow up bop bag that kept getting knocked over.  My counselor agreed with me that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Since I was having trouble functioning at work my therapist wrote a letter to my work requesting a medical leave of absence for one month. 

My work only gave me two weeks, which felt like two days.  I wasn’t ready to go back.  I will admit that It wasn’t easy to get back to work.  My clients who relied on me heavily noticed I wasn’t myself.  Many said they were sorry about what happened. 

I described feeling like I was on top of a skyscraper in heavy wind to my therapist who helped me visualize being held up by a strong bungee cord.    The visualization helped me.  I still often felt ready to run a marathon as my body kept releasing adrenaline in surges.  I wondered when it would all calm down.  

I used cognitive therapy methods to help me cope, stopped taking Claritin D realizing the decongestant made me anxious, I used deep breathing methods and visualizations.  Prayer from friends and trust in God helped tremendously.  It was a tough time that challenged me immensely. 

The reassuring part was realizing how God had protected me that day.   Normally, on Saturdays at the clinic there were only two people there.  This was the only Saturday I remember working there, over three years, that there was a third person at the office.   The painter threw off the assailant and gave me enough time to press the panic button.   The police officer said he just happened to be driving near our building and he got there quickly.   Had the painter not been talking in the hallway, causing the man to look out my office door, the scenario may have turned out very differently.    Knowing God had protected me also helped me to recover. 

Recovery is an ongoing process.  12 years later, I still am more sensitive to things than I used to be.  Scary shows, a loud noise, a recent encounter with an angry driver, all send adrenaline flowing through my body.  I very rarely have nightmares now and have learned how to take care of myself when PTST has been triggered.  Self-care is essential when recovering from trauma.  

I plan to follow up this blog with a list of methods to help you cope with PTSD or other types of anxiety.  Stay tuned, and thank you for listening to my story!

 Blessings, Gretchen



The Different Types of Anxiety

Anxiety comes in several different forms. If you suffer from anxiety you may know that you are anxious, but lack the discernment to know what type of anxiety you have. Treatment of anxiety involves first diagnosing your anxiety type, and then treating it specifically.

Here is a list of various clinical anxiety disorders:  

• Panic Disorder- A Panic Disorder sufferer will have intense episodes of panic that come on suddenly often without apparent cause or warning. The individual may experience a racing heartbeat, sweating, shaking, chest pain, shortness of breath, and a variety of other panic symptoms.


• Agoraphobia- Primarily understood as a fear of open spaces, it is often more related to a fear of having a panic attack in a location that would be difficult escape from for relief. Commonly the fears are brought on by crowded places such as grocery stores, subways, airplanes, or other similar locations.


• Social Phobia- This anxiety disorder involves an intense fear of social situations. It can involve any situation in which embarrassment or humiliation is feared.


• Specific Phobia- This phobia typically brings about avoidance of specific things or situations. The thing or situation is stagnant in that it doesn’t tend to change. For example, someone may have an intense fear of dogs but not fear other small animals.


• Generalized Anxiety Disorder- This type of anxiety is much less specific than other types of anxiety. Often the individual feels a chronic sense of anxiety over life circumstances that are stressful, such as finances. The symptoms are ongoing and last for 6 months or longer.


• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder- While tidiness is often an admirable trait; individuals with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder take it to an extreme. They will become preoccupied by obsessive thoughts that lead to obsessive actions. An example would be someone who cleans the kitchen sink 5 – 10 times during each day. If the person were prevented from following through on their task, obsessive thoughts about the ritual of sink washing would then cause debilitating anxiety.


• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder- Disabling symptoms often develop for a person who experiences a traumatic event. A variety of acute anxiety symptoms surface surrounding memories of the event. Veterans of war, rape victims, and victims of severe catastrophic events can suffer from this disorder.


• Acute Stress Disorder- This disorder is similar to Post Traumatic Stress although the symptoms subside within a month of the event.


• Anxiety Disorder due to a General Medical Condition- There are a large number of medical disorders that can cause anxiety symptoms. Some examples are hyper- and hypothyroidism, a vitamin B-12 deficiency, or encephalitis. It is good medical practice to test for thyroid conditions when addressing anxiety symptoms.


• Substance–Induced Anxiety Disorder- A number of ingestible substances can trigger anxiety. Some common stimulants such as caffeine, ginseng, decongestants, or diet pills can trigger symptoms of anxiety. On of the first questions that should be asked when addressing anxiety is what substances are being used and when did the symptoms begin?

In order to treat your anxiety with impact and efficacy you must first define which type you are affected by. Once you are aware of your specific set of symptoms you can begin to treat the anxiety disorder. Any of the above listed anxiety disorders can range in severity from mild to severe.

In upcoming blog posts I will discuss individual anxiety disorders under a closer lens and discuss methods for combating and treating the anxiety. Stay tuned for more.

Blessings, Gretchen

Let Go of Worry

UNEXPECTED SITUATIONS

I remember a story one of my pastors told me that when they had invited guests over during the winter, they had prepared a casserole beforehand for their guests and set it out on the back porch to cool. When their guests arrived, and it was time to eat, they went out to get the casserole. Much to their dismay, the dish was empty, and apparently cleaned as if there never had been a casserole. Wondering what had happened, they looked around and noticed their sweet Labrador had also been outside, and was now contentedly licking her lips and looking for a nice spot to take a nap. They had forgotten she was outside.

If you were in this situation, I ask, would you be able to laugh about it with your guests, or would you panic and believe it to be a catastrophe? Would you worry about what your guests thought about you? Would you convince yourself that it was horrible that you failed to provide them with a home-cooked meal, or would you accept your disappointment and figure out from where you might order in?

I admit there was a time in my life that I would have seen this as a total catastrophe. I would have been horrified and ashamed. I would have needed lots of reassurance. Thankfully, I think I would cope with it better now. I have worked hard at shifting my inner thoughts and have reserved the words horrible or awful for things that really deserve it. It doesn’t always come easily, but if I work at it, I can do it.

GOD’S COMFORT

We all worry about things from time to time. It is natural to have concerns, and it is important to be realistic about life’s challenges. However, if we allow our fears to invade our daily thought life, we are robbed of enjoyment and freedom from fear. It is the enemy’s goal to rob us of things that God has given us. One of the things he wants to rob us of is peace of mind. Worry and peace really are incompatible. God comforts us and assures us that peace comes from Him and that we can possess it even in the midst of awful circumstances. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:7). His peace guards us and surrounds us, even in the darkest of times.

There are times in our lives when anyone would be confounded by our peace, but God gives it to us in an eternal perspective, and it is wrapped in His love for us. We know that even when things on earth go wrong, we will be with Him one day, free from the pain we endure on Earth. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Cor. 4:16–18).

The most important thing to do when wrestling with the problem of worry in our lives is to explore what Scripture says about worry:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

—Matthew 6:25–26

We are of great value to God, and He promises to take care of us. Recognizing our value to Him soothes the worry wart inside of us. When we worry we need to remember how much God cares about us.

*Excerpt taken from The Journey Out, Chapter 3, The Weed of Worry vs. The Fruit of Peace

Blessings to you, Gretchen